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Biggest Dicks in Video Games – Article

Biggest Dicks in Video Games – Article

We’ve had it up to our perfect pert breasts with ‘best jubblies’, ‘hottest female characters’, ‘sexiest gaming whore’, ‘top gaming jigglies’, ‘top ten boobies’, ‘best gaming breasts’. Where are the dicks?! Now you know it’s a lot of straight guys dreams that we lesbians can’t live without the dick, that we long for the dick, we need the dick, we secretly want the dick. Whilst we lesbians know this to not be the case, we’ll let them have their egoist fantasies and do an article on dicks, because we’re sick of the sexist tirades consistently aimed at female characters in gaming. Why is it okay for this constant bombardment about female characters, whilst the guys get left out? We think it’s time the gaming penis got a shout out, with a tongue in cheek look at the large and the small.

Most games don’t go out of their way to show off the male characters package and when a male character wears armor, it actually gives some useful coverage. Given you rarely see a bare chest or builders bum there for no other reason than the giggly amusement of the straight female player, we’re going to guess as to the biggest dicks in gaming. You can take that double entendre however you like it by the way. Here we go.

Marcus Fenix – This guy is so full of steroids that he definitely hasn’t made it onto the biggest dicks in gaming-he’s a definite smallest, given he probably has to sit to pee. Mind you, Marcus makes up for his lack of physical dickedness with sheer personality dickedness and grunt. Marcus Fenix shows us what the world would be like if men were men and all they did was hang out with other men.. get sweaty together and grunt at one another. Wow… having written that I never realised before just how totally queer Gears of Wars is!

Spartan John – He’s a eunuch and for this reason comes in at number one on the smallest dicks in gaming chart. It’s a Storm Trooper thing, they don’t want these guys doing what footballers do when they take their wives to away games, getting funky the night before the big game and then f_cking up on the field the following day. The UNSC take care of business when the Spartans are first ‘conscripted’, during the physical and mental augmentation period the castration and penisectomy is performed. Now you know why that MJOLNIR looks so snug.

Duke Nukem – This guy is like Ash from the Evil Dead series, without the actual cheesy charisma. Something noted about Duke is his like of large firearms, most notably the golden desert eagle he tends to wave around whilst he’s being arrogant and sexist. It’s fairly common knowledge within psychology that men with big motors and big guns are clearly overcompensating for what they lack elsewhere. Despite a lot of buxom tarts hurling themselves at Duke in game, we’ve heard it’s actually the large bulge in his wallet they’re after and not anything elsewhere. Egotistical misogynists get paid a lot of money to kill invading alien forces ya know, but you can’t buy a filler of additional pant space, which sadly for Duke means socks aplenty.

Solid Snake – Oh where to begin, really with a name like that he should be number one on the biggest dicks in gaming, but the guy is old now and you know what happens when boys get old. Alas Solid Snake slips quietly further down the biggest dick in video gaming chart. All of that genetic cloning meant Solid Snake ended up being more of a Liquid Snake when Naked Snake was around. From what we hear housemate Meryl kept an electric man in her top dresser drawer–if you know what we’re sayin.

Katamari King of Cosmos – He’s here, he’s queer and he’s one massive dick. We’re talking about the King of the Cosmos in the Katamari universe. It takes a big man to wear snug fitting purple tights that look like they’ve been painted on. There’s nothing to hide and he doesn’t care because he always looks like he’s sporting a large padded jockstrap. I’m sure there is some sort of Freudian thing happening here with the fact he gets his huge headed son to roll around giant balls… but we won’t go there.

Link – It takes a true man to wear skin tight white tights and feel comfortable in them. Whatever the age of Link in the various incarnations one thing stands out, and we know what that is don’t we people, yes, the aforementioned ability to wear tights in an unashamed manner. From what we hear no additional socks were ever added to his outfit (unless they appeared on his rather large feet). Link always felt quite secure with just his tights and trusty sword… as the straight girlies in town like to call it. 

Mario – Only one thing can be said about our little overalled plumber…. He’s the Ron Jeremy of gaming. Come on, you know you thought it, or at least you agree with the comparison now. He’s portly, unattractive with a stonking great…. mustache that he can seive soup through, but that damn Princess just can’t get enough of him. We’re guessing his plumbing is some of the best in gaming. For this reason we’ve placed Mario at number one in our biggest dicks in gaming list.

Is it a coincidence that Nintendo seem to have the biggest dicks in gaming whilst Microsoft have the smallest? Perhaps there’s some sort of cosmic truth at work there, perhaps it just so happens the Xbox relies more on muscular grunt than the less than aptly titled ‘Wii’. Whatever the case, we hope you’ve enjoyed the lesbian gamers .com Biggest & Smallest Dicks in Gaming. Feel free to add other dicks to our comments.. we just can’t get enough dicks around here.. honestly.. no really.. seriously…

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35 Responses to “Biggest Dicks in Video Games – Article”

  1. c4bl3fl4m3 says:

    This is great! I especially love the mention of the flamingly queer King of All Cosmos, whose package is so terribly obvious in such a very GAY way in the game.
    I’m still surprised that the Family Values Coalition or the like hasn’t called out for a boycott of this “gay” game. I mean, a wonderful big flaming faggot with royal rainbows? If any game could turn your kids gay, this is it. 😉

  2. Tanya says:

    what about Kratos? you get to bed women in 2 games! :)

  3. Eden says:

    It’s not about bedding women, its about penis size, two things which are unrelated really, wel unless you are talking straight porn.
    Kratos looks like he’s got nothing anyway, in his tiny tiny skirt.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Excellent article. I *laughed my ass off* many many times. Extremely well-written and interesting.
    Keep it up!

  5. Orionis says:

    Hey don’t forget Gabriel Knight. He’s such a dick too.

  6. ash says:

    i have to agree my friend.
    this is also very funny.
    enjoy your day

  7. Caffe says:

    Actually, Kratos’s kilt offers a good argument for him being quite well endowed. Let’s remember here that if the man’s going to fight, he’s going to need to be able to move… and judging by his stance when he slings those chain blades around, he’s got a lot to make space for.
    Although I can’t quite agree with the analysis of Snake. We’re talking about a character who walks into a combat zone alone, with no equipment save cigarettes and binoculars… and the one weapon that’s truly iconic to him (the Socom .45) is hardly a BFG. It’s built for efficiency, dependability, and utility. When it comes down to it, Snake shows himself to have bigger balls (or more spine, if you prefer) than anyone else on the list. The fact that he doesn’t like people, or seems not to demonstrate a sex drive just says that there is the rare man in the world who doesn’t use his genitals as a divining rod.

  8. Ashley-Yin says:

    sorry for being so off topic.
    considering how some Japanese characters are
    (final fantasy 8)i think Link & Zelda are definite gender benders
    first i have to say im talking more about the legend of Link not the others that you role play as. so… Link with his lush long hair, skirt thingy(i want one) and very pretty looks strikes me as being guite bendy, and the most recent Links never make much fuss when being given or asked to wear their skirt thingy.
    Ah Princess Zelda, always arguing in the old anime. are they gonna get it on not as far as i remember, “Excuse me princess!”. in the games she dosent really come on to link, maybe secretly she knows Link likes boys and thats why she cross dresses in the hope of attracting Link’s attention(no?)
    Ok heres how it really is Link wants to be a girl and is doing some sort of real life test and Zelda’s a Lesbian through and through. she used to push Link back as much as posssible, but realized Link isnt a transvestite trying to save the world and make her straight in the process, but a normal transsexual on a jorney to womanhood. so Zelda drag kings up as shiek and helps Link on the way…
    will they get it on in the end, thats up to Myamoto;)
    p.s. is there a forum? cos i cant seem to find it.

  9. Ashley-Yin says:

    ok scrap that question im so blind.
    and dont forget link says im comfortable in tights for a reason.

  10. Vickie says:

    Hahaha, I can’t believe I missed this article until today. 😛

  11. broken says:

    Funny.. but master chief isn’t a Eunuch. hes got all the equipment… just no desire to use it.

  12. Makidian says:

    I can’t even express how insanely awesome this write up is, you ladies are great and that’s coming from a straight guy. I will say that I don’t ever want to see a literal sausage fest in any of my games, but that goes without saying I guess

  13. Josef Fritzl says:

    I’m going to have to disagree with the Solid Snake part.

  14. Thefremen says:

    This blog deserves a new class of troll. GB2 Gaia or protesting scientology.
    Also, cocks.

  15. King Wicker says:

    Found your site through n4g. Not a bad article. I think it says something about Link that every Halloween I see plenty of people dressed as him, but they’re all women.
    What about Leisure Suit Larry? The guy isn’t exactly likeable so he’s got to have something going on for him that we don’t know about.

  16. TooBig says:

    Really? SOLID SNAKE! Duuuude. He’s old but he’s so badass I bet he can still turn u ladies str8. As I can, with less effort I might add.

  17. Raz says:

    “because we’re sick of the sexist tirades consistently aimed at female characters in gaming.”
    ..So you launch a sexist tirade at male characters to balance the scales? Aren’t you just validating the misogynists’ perspective by duplicating it in reverse?
    And why is it that being ‘sexist’ seems to apply to men only? Objectification of either gender is equally wrong, IMHO.

  18. Cara says:

    Um…. I’m not sure if all you guys are just dumb… (although I’m pretty sure from your responses you are).. but this is meant to be tongue-in-cheek.
    So why don’t you take your trolling asses elsewhere, or better still, the admin will delete your posts and you’ll be on your way.

  19. Eden says:

    Isn’t it funny that men get REALLY irritated by ONE article, but we female gamers have to put up with this ALL the time?
    You’re right Raz, it is wrong, but you missed the point. Objectification happens to women ALL the time, this is one tiny article done with humor in a sea of sexist shit we female gamers have to put up with every week.
    Think about that and how this one article bugged you, now multiply that by a a hundred thousand or so.
    On a side note it’s great this article is finally getting some kudos. It’s a shame there are so many guys that still aren’t ‘seeing’ what it’s getting at. Must be nice to be so blind.

  20. phil says:

    i agree with everything except the solid snake part. that do is so gung ho its almost crazy. i mean this dude has so much confidence that he’ll go in with shit and people KNOW he’ll succeed or die trying. thats large and in charge

  21. Bobby says:

    Im posting on, this is kinda awesome!

  22. Thefremen says:

    LRN 2 RD NOOB, the artical was not so srs.

  23. Miles Dyson says:

    I’m a little bit sick of seeing females objectified so gratuitously in video games. MGS4 was a great game but it seems that Kojima is a little bit out of control with his male gaze. I don’t think it’s Solid who is lacking a sufficient member, but actually Hideo Kojima- although, what he lacks in this area he more than makes up for with his overly-inflated ego. I don’t think you can play MGS4 for half an hour without being bombarded with some new advertisement for the man. Masturbation is good, self-love is not.

  24. Wunder says:

    Loved this article

  25. pebbsy says:

    what a great article!
    loved the Marcus Fenix description i won’t be able to look at Gears of War in quite the same light lol
    nice one!

  26. svissmiss says:

    @ TooBig: Get over yourself. We like p*ssy. Period.
    @ The other men who posted: You guys rock! It’s great to see you here. :)

  27. Thefremen says:

    Why was this flame-worthy again?

  28. Goro says:

    I like the list its pretty funny actually. One of the funnier articles ive read in awhile should put a few years on my life. After all laughing is healthy for you 😉 I would have moved Link down a few spots though 😛

  29. LHH says:

    lol, amusing article, although the it’s the Duke’s blatant sexism and cheesy one liners that make him awesome :)

  30. Jessica says:

    Um…. I’m not sure if all you guys are just dumb… (although I’m pretty sure from your responses you are).. but this is meant to be tongue-in-cheek.
    So why don’t you take your trolling asses elsewhere, or better still, the admin will delete your posts and you’ll be on your way.
    What a great response. Every time I disagree with you, I’ll just call you an idiot and basically tell you to f off. And then I’ll make an excuse for my behavior, because after all, it’s easier to prattle on than to lead by example. No sincerity.

  31. Christie Ward says:

    EverQuest 2 has been on a kick for bigger dicks. I took a sampling of real screenshots and pasted Smilin’ Bob’s head in:

  32. ufos_are_real says:

    So you just made me read an entire article about dicks… and enjoy it. Shame on you lol

    “Mario is the Ron Jeremy of gaming” .. this absolutely needs to be on a t-shirt

  33. KristenD says:

    Loved the article…funny…
    But where is Nathan Drake…..????

  34. katrina says:

    Sometimes you should re-enforce these old articles on the main site somewhere, that was a friggin hoot to read. Mario and his plumbing, that cracked me up ladies.

  35. Jake says:

    this article was great, being an anime fan myself and generally a skinny guy I’m not too fond of those testosterone powered jocks myself. I thought Duke Nukem was funny back in the day but then I turned fourteen, but fifteen years later that stuffs just not funny anymore.I got a good laugh out of this one but was half expecting the article to just consist of a picture of Activision’s Bobby Koctick. as he certainly “is” the biggest dick in gaming ^_^

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